A Nice Chat With My New Therapist

A while back, I read an article on another website wherein the author, detailing how difficult his junior high days were for him, talked about how he had a computer program called Dr. Sbaitso that helped him deal with his troubles. It was the typical junior high angst, and the good Doctor was only a very simple collection of answers given in mostly random responses, but he went on and on about how this was actually therapeutic for him, and also because he was somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve to thirteen years old, an age where most boys still believe professional wrestling is real.

Now the guy who wrote the article is a profane enough character that I can't in good conscience let you read it yourself - there's some things that he writes that would make Tarantino say "All right, rein it in a bit." Further, half his fun was in the fact that Dr. Sbaitso would speak, since the program's primary function was to show off SoundBlaster's capabilities.

However, the good Doctor gave some pretty interesting answers, so I've decided to sit down and talk with him. I'm not particularly depressed about anything, so we'll just talk and see where it all goes:

HELLO BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, MY NAME IS DOCTOR SBAITSO.
I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.
SAY WHATEVER IS IN YOUR MIND FREELY,
OUR CONVERSATION WILL BE KEPT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.
MEMORY CONTENTS WILL BE WIPED OFF AFTER YOU LEAVE,

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

>I haven’t really got any problems. A girlfriend would be nice, but whatever.
BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, I NEED MORE COMPUTING POWER TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION

>Can’t you just use MY computing power? You’re a piece of software - you just use whatever the hardware’s got.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

>Well, you seem to be really doubtful about your abilities to help me. Aren’t you a doctor?
PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT MY ABILITIES TO HELP ME. AREN’T I A DOCTOR?

>Yes, you are. Why are you asking me?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>You’re called “Dr. Sbaitso”.
I THINK YOU ARE ALSO CALLED “DR. SBAITSO”.

>No, I’m Big Bearded Word Machine.
I THINK I AM BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE. TOO

>Well, I guess you are. A “word machine” at least. But not that big. And you haven’t got a beard.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE . A “WORD MACHINE” AT LEAST. BUT NOT THAT BIG. AND I HAVEN’T GOT A BEARD.

>You’re being kind of childish, Doctor. Stop repeating everything I say.
WHY DO YOU WISH THAT I AM BEING KIND OF CHILDISH, DOCTOR. STOP REPEATING EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

>Come on, Doc. You’re not in first grade.
IF I AM NOT IN FIRST GRADE. THEN YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND

>This is ridiculous, to say nothing of unprofessional. Stop being so immature.
CAN YOU ELABORATE MORE ON THAT?

>You repeat everything I say.
OH, I’M ....

>What, now it’s the silent treatment?
WHY DO YOU ASK THIS QUESTION?

>Because you...oh, never mind. I guess that one solved itself.
IS THAT SO?

>Yes.
I UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU COULD BE MISTAKEN

>No. You started talking again. The silent treatment stopped.
DON’T TALK ABOUT ME IN THIS WAY

>But all I’m doing is reacting to your behavior.
HOW ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR?

>I haven’t had a chance to BEHAVE like anything. All you’ve been doing is pestering me with schoolyard nonsense!
THERE IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF

>No, no there isn’t. How did you become a doctor of anything, anyway?
DON’T TALK ABOUT ME, LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

>Don’t dodge the question. How did you become a doctor?
DO SUCH QUESTIONS OFTEN COME TO YOUR MIND ?

>Only when you act like this when we’re supposed to be talking about MY problems.
FORGET ABOUT ME, I AM MORE CONCERN OF YOU

>”More concern of (me)?” Is English your first language?
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY FIRST LANGUAGE?

>Because it sounds like you don’t speak English very well.
ARE YOU REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?

>Yes. There’s no one else here.
SINCE YOU ARE SO POSITIVE, WHY DO YOU COMPLAIN?

>That’s...not...a positive statement.
LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?

>Fine. I will make up something that doesn’t relate to you. Happy?
WHEN IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?

>I don’t think I’ve had a SINGLE happiest day. Some good ones. I don’t know which one was the best, though.
YOU DO THINK YOU’VE HAD A SINGLE HAPPIEST DAY. SOME GOOD ONES. YOU DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE WERE THE BEST, THOUGH. WHEN YOU WANT TO

>You’re doing that stupid repeating thing again. Stop it. It isn’t funny.
WHEN I AM DOING THAT STUPID REPEATING THING AGAIN. STOP IT. IT ISN’T FUNNY. ,YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT

>I ALREADY regret it.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OTHER INTERESTS

>I’m interested in finding a therapist who isn’t you.
N’T YOU. MUST BE AN EXCITING PERSON

>There’s nobody named “N’t you”. But ANYONE would be more exciting than you, Doc.
I KNOW YOUR NAME IS BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, THAT’S ALL

>You only know that because I told you.
DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD EXPLANATION?

>Yes.
THAT ANSWERS MY QUESTION, BUT WHY?

>Because I told you what my name is.
AH , WHAT KIND OF ANSWER WOULD PLEASE YOU THE MOST?

>Okay, now you just want to tell me what I want to hear. I think this session i s over, Doc. See you next time.
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO YOU?

>Goodbye, Dr. Sbaitso.
I AM SBAITSO, DON’T QUESTION MY INTELLIGENCE, IT’S FAKE

>Yeah, it is. *leaves*
WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME TO SAY SOMETHING?

- Apparently, my new therapist moved here from Japan or Eastern Europe or something and learned English on a grade-school playground. Also, he seems somewhat emotionally damaged. And lonely. Further, I'm deeply concerned by his evasiveness and inability to recognize very basic conversational logic. More visits as they happen...

(If you would like a copy of the Dr. Sbaitso software, get in touch with me and I can hook you up. Oh yeah, you know how we do.)