Trip to Chicago Nearly Derailed By Tasty, Tasty Food

Friday, Jan. 23, 2009
I-88, I-294, and US 31
Illinois/Indiana/Michigan

Nullset staff member Big Bearded Word Machine nearly perished a half a dozen times on the stretch of interstate expressway between Ludington, MI and Chicago, IL today.

The brushes-with-death, which would usually be attributed to lack of sleep (BBWM was adequately rested with eight hours REM before departure), over-consumption of caffeine (one mug coffee and three Cokes over the course of twelve hours? Pretty weak...), or inattention during high levels of traffic density (nope, nothing but prarie-dog-level head-swiveling and white-knuckled fear here), can instead be attributed to near-toxic levels of deliciousness in his bloodstream.

BBWM, after assisting a Ludington area youth ministry official in retrieving a new vehicle from the Chicago area, was rushed to Memorial Medical Center, where his blood was tested for possible mind-altering substances. The tox screen later showed a DL* (Delectron Level) of nearly 5,523 parts per million - a level of nearly sixteen times the FDA recommended daily intake of deliciousness.

(*The delectron, as most of our readers are well aware, was a unit developed by the famous second-century physician, Claudius Aelius Galenius, in an attempt to objectively quantify and measure the savor and pleasure-inducing factor of food. It takes its name from the Latin delectabilius, or "pleasureable." We reprint this information merely as a courtesy.)

Fearing the contact of so many delectrons with the open air (and possible infiltration of the MMC kitchen and cafeteria), BBWM was placed under quarantine and questioned as to what he had been doing on Thursday.

Seven vials of sodium pentathol later, he admitted to eating at both the Charcoal Delights Chicago franchise and a Culver's franchise in Holland, MI.

BBWM remains comatose in the maximum-security wing of MMC, occasionally regaining momentary conciousness to utter random nonsense such as "I forgot the cheese curds!" and "There just wasn't any more room..."

More on this story as it develops.

- Nullset News Wire Services