If THIS is therapy, I'll keep my money...

So after the Big Bearded Word Machine's recent attempts to get some therapy, I thought I couldn't fare any worse. Everyone has their problems and could use a little help now and then. So I decided to pay a visit to the headcleaner known as Dr. Sbaitso.

What happened was... well, I'll let you the readers be the judges.

Hello Mad Piano Man, my name is Doctor Sbaitso. I am here to help you. Say whatever is in your mind freely, our conversation will be kept in strict confidence. Memory contents will be wiped after you leave so, tell me about your problems.

Well Doc, so I have these loans. And not a ton of cash...

How does these loans. And not a ton of cash... change your life

Well, you see, these loans want all my cash, and I want to keep it.

How important is it to you?

Well, I LIKE my cash... and I wouldn't like to live in a box.

Come on, pour out your thoughts

No, I don't WANT to pay these loans. How about YOU pay them?

You do want to pay these loans. How about I pay them? When you want to

Really?! Okay then, start paying up, Mr. Money Machine!

It's good to have money, but money is not everything.

No, but it'll do the job to pay off these loans!

Have you tried to ask for help?

You really haven't quite grasped this whole "listening" thing, have you?

Do you want me to shut up and quit?

That might help while I tell you what I want, sure.

Please be sure of what you want. Go on.

I am sure. Shut up and listen to me, Doc.

Are you sure, you don't want to talk to me?

No, I want to talk to you while you shut up and listen.

Please be sure of what you want. Go on.

STOP TALKING, SBAITSO!

It's Sound Blaster Acting Intelligent Text to Speech Operator

Well, I'm glad we've gotten that little bit information out of the way. Now about you paying my loans...

You are just glad we've gotten that little bit of information out of the way. Now about I paying your loans...? What about me?

You offered to pay my loans, dummy. Your working memory is rather short.

You'd better watch out for your working memory is rather short.

You know, I used to play that "repeating the other person's words" game when I was in grade school. It won't work with an adult.

What kind of schools do you like?

Ones that don't charge me money. But that's not important right now. When are you going to start paying my loans like you offered, Sbaitso?

Sbaitso attempts to answer questions using a synthetic voice

A synthetic voice? You really should have quit smoking earlier...

Are you really talking about me?

Yeah, but I'm still more interested in your bank account.

My bank account. Is not of your concern.

It sure is since you're offering to pay my loans, buddy.

If I am offering to pay your loans, buddy. Then you must be out of your mind.

You are if you want to pay for something that isn't even your problem...

Please don't talk about my problem...

I'm not. You refuse to listen.

You wanted to be not. I refuse to listen. So that you can talk to me?

Yeah, but I've told you that already. You shut up. I talk. Now, how soon will you start paying my loans?

What do you suggest?

Hmm... I'll tell you how much I owe, you send the loan folks a check for a million dollars tomorrow, and then I get the refund. That sounds great to me!

Keep asking, you will find the answer one day

I'm not asking. I'm telling you what I want. Focus, Doc.

I think I am not asking. You're telling I what you want. Focus, Doc. Too.

Doc... this listening thing is hard on you, isn't it?

Can you elaborate more on that?

Not really. You should have learned that back in about first grade. I can't help you with that.

How do you know you can't help I with that?

Because YOU are the doctor who is supposed to help ME, dummy!

Mad Piano Man, don't tell me you don't know supposed to help me, dummy!

Umm, yeah... I think my appointment is over when my doctor insults me. I'll call you when I'm ready to come back, okay?

Do you think the other way around?

No, I'm pretty sure.

Since when have you been pretty sure.

Always, Doc. Always. I'm going now.

Which occasion are you thinking of?

Right now. Goodbye. *Leaves*

Let's change the subject, you were telling me about schools?

And that was my experience with Dr. Sbaitso. As of now, I'd give him 0 out of 5 stars.

A Nice Chat With My New Therapist

A while back, I read an article on another website wherein the author, detailing how difficult his junior high days were for him, talked about how he had a computer program called Dr. Sbaitso that helped him deal with his troubles. It was the typical junior high angst, and the good Doctor was only a very simple collection of answers given in mostly random responses, but he went on and on about how this was actually therapeutic for him, and also because he was somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve to thirteen years old, an age where most boys still believe professional wrestling is real.

Now the guy who wrote the article is a profane enough character that I can't in good conscience let you read it yourself - there's some things that he writes that would make Tarantino say "All right, rein it in a bit." Further, half his fun was in the fact that Dr. Sbaitso would speak, since the program's primary function was to show off SoundBlaster's capabilities.

However, the good Doctor gave some pretty interesting answers, so I've decided to sit down and talk with him. I'm not particularly depressed about anything, so we'll just talk and see where it all goes:

HELLO BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, MY NAME IS DOCTOR SBAITSO.
I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.
SAY WHATEVER IS IN YOUR MIND FREELY,
OUR CONVERSATION WILL BE KEPT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.
MEMORY CONTENTS WILL BE WIPED OFF AFTER YOU LEAVE,

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

>I haven’t really got any problems. A girlfriend would be nice, but whatever.
BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, I NEED MORE COMPUTING POWER TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION

>Can’t you just use MY computing power? You’re a piece of software - you just use whatever the hardware’s got.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

>Well, you seem to be really doubtful about your abilities to help me. Aren’t you a doctor?
PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT MY ABILITIES TO HELP ME. AREN’T I A DOCTOR?

>Yes, you are. Why are you asking me?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>You’re called “Dr. Sbaitso”.
I THINK YOU ARE ALSO CALLED “DR. SBAITSO”.

>No, I’m Big Bearded Word Machine.
I THINK I AM BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE. TOO

>Well, I guess you are. A “word machine” at least. But not that big. And you haven’t got a beard.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE . A “WORD MACHINE” AT LEAST. BUT NOT THAT BIG. AND I HAVEN’T GOT A BEARD.

>You’re being kind of childish, Doctor. Stop repeating everything I say.
WHY DO YOU WISH THAT I AM BEING KIND OF CHILDISH, DOCTOR. STOP REPEATING EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

>Come on, Doc. You’re not in first grade.
IF I AM NOT IN FIRST GRADE. THEN YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND

>This is ridiculous, to say nothing of unprofessional. Stop being so immature.
CAN YOU ELABORATE MORE ON THAT?

>You repeat everything I say.
OH, I’M ....

>What, now it’s the silent treatment?
WHY DO YOU ASK THIS QUESTION?

>Because you...oh, never mind. I guess that one solved itself.
IS THAT SO?

>Yes.
I UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU COULD BE MISTAKEN

>No. You started talking again. The silent treatment stopped.
DON’T TALK ABOUT ME IN THIS WAY

>But all I’m doing is reacting to your behavior.
HOW ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR?

>I haven’t had a chance to BEHAVE like anything. All you’ve been doing is pestering me with schoolyard nonsense!
THERE IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF

>No, no there isn’t. How did you become a doctor of anything, anyway?
DON’T TALK ABOUT ME, LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

>Don’t dodge the question. How did you become a doctor?
DO SUCH QUESTIONS OFTEN COME TO YOUR MIND ?

>Only when you act like this when we’re supposed to be talking about MY problems.
FORGET ABOUT ME, I AM MORE CONCERN OF YOU

>”More concern of (me)?” Is English your first language?
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY FIRST LANGUAGE?

>Because it sounds like you don’t speak English very well.
ARE YOU REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?

>Yes. There’s no one else here.
SINCE YOU ARE SO POSITIVE, WHY DO YOU COMPLAIN?

>That’s...not...a positive statement.
LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?

>Fine. I will make up something that doesn’t relate to you. Happy?
WHEN IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?

>I don’t think I’ve had a SINGLE happiest day. Some good ones. I don’t know which one was the best, though.
YOU DO THINK YOU’VE HAD A SINGLE HAPPIEST DAY. SOME GOOD ONES. YOU DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE WERE THE BEST, THOUGH. WHEN YOU WANT TO

>You’re doing that stupid repeating thing again. Stop it. It isn’t funny.
WHEN I AM DOING THAT STUPID REPEATING THING AGAIN. STOP IT. IT ISN’T FUNNY. ,YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT

>I ALREADY regret it.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OTHER INTERESTS

>I’m interested in finding a therapist who isn’t you.
N’T YOU. MUST BE AN EXCITING PERSON

>There’s nobody named “N’t you”. But ANYONE would be more exciting than you, Doc.
I KNOW YOUR NAME IS BIG BEARDED WORD MACHINE, THAT’S ALL

>You only know that because I told you.
DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD EXPLANATION?

>Yes.
THAT ANSWERS MY QUESTION, BUT WHY?

>Because I told you what my name is.
AH , WHAT KIND OF ANSWER WOULD PLEASE YOU THE MOST?

>Okay, now you just want to tell me what I want to hear. I think this session i s over, Doc. See you next time.
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO YOU?

>Goodbye, Dr. Sbaitso.
I AM SBAITSO, DON’T QUESTION MY INTELLIGENCE, IT’S FAKE

>Yeah, it is. *leaves*
WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME TO SAY SOMETHING?

- Apparently, my new therapist moved here from Japan or Eastern Europe or something and learned English on a grade-school playground. Also, he seems somewhat emotionally damaged. And lonely. Further, I'm deeply concerned by his evasiveness and inability to recognize very basic conversational logic. More visits as they happen...

(If you would like a copy of the Dr. Sbaitso software, get in touch with me and I can hook you up. Oh yeah, you know how we do.)

Null Set Article Gets Printed

At last, articles from this site have made it to be read by more than just the 3 people who aren't our mums. The Daily Bull was the first respected and recognized news service to print an article from here. It may, or may not, have taken heavy bribes and coercing, but at least one article has been printed and hopefully it shall bring in more readers. Then our plans to conquer the world shall be one step closer to completion. *bows* That is all.

Nullset Staffers Nearly Die of Toxic Poultry Intake

Thursday, Feb. 5, 2009
LUDINGTON, MI

On Tuesday, Nullset staffers Big Bearded Word Machine and The Mad Piano Man went to lunch at the Ludington McDonald's franchise, there to attempt to eat the fifty Chicken McNugget value meal (split between them).

It wasn't a very good idea. We're still not sure if we're alive, dead, or floating in some vaguely chicken-y limbo state. Ugh.

We did it once, successfully, and that means we never have to do it again.

Trip to Chicago Nearly Derailed By Tasty, Tasty Food

Friday, Jan. 23, 2009
I-88, I-294, and US 31
Illinois/Indiana/Michigan

Nullset staff member Big Bearded Word Machine nearly perished a half a dozen times on the stretch of interstate expressway between Ludington, MI and Chicago, IL today.

The brushes-with-death, which would usually be attributed to lack of sleep (BBWM was adequately rested with eight hours REM before departure), over-consumption of caffeine (one mug coffee and three Cokes over the course of twelve hours? Pretty weak...), or inattention during high levels of traffic density (nope, nothing but prarie-dog-level head-swiveling and white-knuckled fear here), can instead be attributed to near-toxic levels of deliciousness in his bloodstream.

BBWM, after assisting a Ludington area youth ministry official in retrieving a new vehicle from the Chicago area, was rushed to Memorial Medical Center, where his blood was tested for possible mind-altering substances. The tox screen later showed a DL* (Delectron Level) of nearly 5,523 parts per million - a level of nearly sixteen times the FDA recommended daily intake of deliciousness.

(*The delectron, as most of our readers are well aware, was a unit developed by the famous second-century physician, Claudius Aelius Galenius, in an attempt to objectively quantify and measure the savor and pleasure-inducing factor of food. It takes its name from the Latin delectabilius, or "pleasureable." We reprint this information merely as a courtesy.)

Fearing the contact of so many delectrons with the open air (and possible infiltration of the MMC kitchen and cafeteria), BBWM was placed under quarantine and questioned as to what he had been doing on Thursday.

Seven vials of sodium pentathol later, he admitted to eating at both the Charcoal Delights Chicago franchise and a Culver's franchise in Holland, MI.

BBWM remains comatose in the maximum-security wing of MMC, occasionally regaining momentary conciousness to utter random nonsense such as "I forgot the cheese curds!" and "There just wasn't any more room..."

More on this story as it develops.

- Nullset News Wire Services

Frightening Trend Continues to Grow

Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2009
LUDINGTON, MI

Yet another instance of, as the title indicates, a disturbing new trend has been driven home to me: my friends are all becoming huge fans of the card game Munchkin.

"But, Big Bearded Word Machine," you might say, if in fact anyone actually read this blog, "don't you think it's nice that your friends all have a common interest. A game, no less, that they can all gather together and enjoy?"

You'd think so. But you'd be, well, at least a little wrong. I do like having a game to play with my friends. This is true. As one of our previous articles indicates, the staff of the Nullset, myself especially, are huge nerds. We all engage in actual, real, table-top roleplaying. The kind that involves DM shields, polyhedral dice, character sheets, and a repressed acting ability that would get you thrown out of the lower class of dinner theater. If the clientele and staff and management were all deranged hoboes.

Munchkin is a satire of all that. As in, the gags and principles assume at least a passing familiarity with things like "+2 mastercrafted greatsword" and "saving throw". It then makes snarky in-jokes on these tropes, creating things like the "Duck of Many Things" and the "Sneaky Bastard Sword."

You'd think the only people who would laugh at this sort of stuff would wear black t-shirts covered in snarky messages or "Doctor Who" references, have enough grease in their hair to shift a sumo wrestler through a Barbie doll's front door, and smell like a boil in a wooly mammoth's armpit. Covered in old bacon grease.

But you'd be wrong. I have multiple friends who do not have anything to do with the "geeky arts" such as role-playing, who love Munchkin. Male and female. The females especially, tend toward being conventionally, objectively attractive, which begs the question of how on earth they ended up spending any time around the sort of people who seek out Munchkin because it parodies role-playing and they figure it'll be good for a laugh. Boredom, one supposes, or possibly the law of averages.

In fact, out of the people I have taught this game to, only about seven to nine of them would qualify as true, proper geeks (though, mercifully, they all wash regularly and do other things besides pretend to be elven wizards in other people's parents' basements.)

Which brings me to what's probably the most frightening thing I've noticed: the sheer horrifying speed at which this game's popularity has rapidly mushroomed beyond my own social circle, members of which have introduced the game to and taken over the brains of perfectly normal people whom I've never met. A close friend of mine (a huge geek) and his wife (not a geek at all) were introduced to this game by me. So was The Mad Piano Man. These three people all work at the same summer camp, and they report numbers upward of thirty new fans just in the course of one summer. New fans. Not people who played at home. Not geeks who just happened to miss out on Munchkin. Decent people, who presumably shop at mall-stores like Hollister, listen to Top 40 music (like I'd know what that entails) and don't choose their movies based on how many ninjas, zombies, pirates, Vikings, or giant robots are involved.

In addition, my own personal efforts have infected the brains of at least that same number of people. The true score is probably in the low forties. Why, just last night (he said, affecting the manner of a rural character in a 1940s film) I taught this game to four new people. They loved it.

I'm not disturbed that people can get past the typical prejudice against terms like "experience levels" or "dwarf warrior". It allows me to relate to more people on at least a surface level, and I need all the help I can get with that. It's the fact that Munchkin is a horrible game. It makes you:

- Suspect everyone around you,
- Refuse to help your friends in the face of certain death unless they pay you adequately,
- Strive to destroy them for petty infractions,
- Engage in epic-level grudge-holding,

and eventually your merry little band self-destructs in an orgy of mutually assured destruction as you all break out every scorched-earth tactic in the book in order to prevent your friends/new mortal enemies from winning. This last group of new players I taught was doing this halfway through their very first game. For fun.

As Mad Piano and I like to say, the motto of Munchkin is this: "There Can Be Only One, And It's Me!"

Help me. I am slowly destroying the moral fiber of everyone I know, and they are asking me to come back so they can do it again. Regularly.

Beards and Their Power – A Final Decision

Throughout the ages, the debate on beards has raged more fiercely than any other difference. Few people know that the Crusades actually started over an argument on the proper application and care of beards. But that is the past. I’m here to lay down the final judgment on beards, and what they truly mean.

We’ll start with a look at who has had beards in history. Some of the world’s greatest men have had beards. Beards were once looked upon as a symbol of power and authority. Let’s look into the Disney movie, Aladdin. What did the sultan have on his face, A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD! It showed that he was just that awesome. It may not be historical fact, but it gives an incredibly detailed and accurate representation of the times. And yes, there were genie’s in bottles. However they have all been set free and the ones that haven’t are buried under too much sand.

Now we’ll move forward in time. Let’s look to the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln, William T. Sherman, Ulysses S. Grant, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, T.J. “Stonewall” Jackson, the list goes on for this time frame. All of them had beards. Now you may question me, “But Pantomime King, if all of these great men had beards, why aren’t we in a stalemate with the Civil War to this day?” Well the answer is quite simple; Abraham Lincoln’s beard was larger and more impressive than Jefferson Davis’ beard. When it comes to beard on beard action, the better beard will always win.

We take another look forward into history. Now, some may think that this may throw a wrench in my argument, but there is no problem. In the hierarchy of facial hair, no hair will actually beat just a mustache, while the beard will reign over all of them. Now, back to my true point; the time is the late 1930’s into the early 1940’s. World War II is raging across Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. The world is holding its cumulative breath waiting to see who would come out victorious in this massive war. Yet, if people had simply looked to the leaders of each group, they would have been able to see who would have come out victorious. Remember, mustache is the bottom with the beard on the top. We’ll first look at the Axis Powers. The most famous leader of the Axis, Adolf Hitler and his famous mustache; there is no getting around that ‘stache. Ok so they’ve got one mark against them, but we’ll move on to Benito Mussolini. If you look at him, he didn’t have a mustache. Hmm, this could be interesting, the Axis is currently neutral. On to Japan, they had Hirohito leading them. With the leftover of Western influence, he bears a tiny mustache. Unfortunately for them, it gives the Axis Powers a -1 on their total score. Now, let’s look at the Allied Powers starting with Theodore Roosevelt. One of the men to lead the US through World War 2 doesn’t not have a beard or a mustache, so we leave the Allies with a +1. Now with a look at Joseph Stalin, unfortunately for the Allies this drops them back to an even score. Lastly we look at Winston Churchill and we see that he did not have any facial hair. This puts the Allied Powers with a final score of +1. Now in review for World War 2; we end with the Allied Powers the clear winner of the Axis Powers at a score of +1 to -1.

Now people may think that the beard is not the end-all of this list, but I beg to differ. People have considered many men in history to be great, and yet they had no facial hair. And one of the most evil men in history, Adolf Hitler, wore only a mustache. This forces me to put the mustache at the bottom of the list. Which leaves the beard to take the top, and if you really think about it, Jesus and Santa both have beards, and you can’t beat the Jesus/Santa combination.

So, that is that. This is the final word on the beard and its power.