Beards and Their Power – A Final Decision

Throughout the ages, the debate on beards has raged more fiercely than any other difference. Few people know that the Crusades actually started over an argument on the proper application and care of beards. But that is the past. I’m here to lay down the final judgment on beards, and what they truly mean.

We’ll start with a look at who has had beards in history. Some of the world’s greatest men have had beards. Beards were once looked upon as a symbol of power and authority. Let’s look into the Disney movie, Aladdin. What did the sultan have on his face, A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD! It showed that he was just that awesome. It may not be historical fact, but it gives an incredibly detailed and accurate representation of the times. And yes, there were genie’s in bottles. However they have all been set free and the ones that haven’t are buried under too much sand.

Now we’ll move forward in time. Let’s look to the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln, William T. Sherman, Ulysses S. Grant, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, T.J. “Stonewall” Jackson, the list goes on for this time frame. All of them had beards. Now you may question me, “But Pantomime King, if all of these great men had beards, why aren’t we in a stalemate with the Civil War to this day?” Well the answer is quite simple; Abraham Lincoln’s beard was larger and more impressive than Jefferson Davis’ beard. When it comes to beard on beard action, the better beard will always win.

We take another look forward into history. Now, some may think that this may throw a wrench in my argument, but there is no problem. In the hierarchy of facial hair, no hair will actually beat just a mustache, while the beard will reign over all of them. Now, back to my true point; the time is the late 1930’s into the early 1940’s. World War II is raging across Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. The world is holding its cumulative breath waiting to see who would come out victorious in this massive war. Yet, if people had simply looked to the leaders of each group, they would have been able to see who would have come out victorious. Remember, mustache is the bottom with the beard on the top. We’ll first look at the Axis Powers. The most famous leader of the Axis, Adolf Hitler and his famous mustache; there is no getting around that ‘stache. Ok so they’ve got one mark against them, but we’ll move on to Benito Mussolini. If you look at him, he didn’t have a mustache. Hmm, this could be interesting, the Axis is currently neutral. On to Japan, they had Hirohito leading them. With the leftover of Western influence, he bears a tiny mustache. Unfortunately for them, it gives the Axis Powers a -1 on their total score. Now, let’s look at the Allied Powers starting with Theodore Roosevelt. One of the men to lead the US through World War 2 doesn’t not have a beard or a mustache, so we leave the Allies with a +1. Now with a look at Joseph Stalin, unfortunately for the Allies this drops them back to an even score. Lastly we look at Winston Churchill and we see that he did not have any facial hair. This puts the Allied Powers with a final score of +1. Now in review for World War 2; we end with the Allied Powers the clear winner of the Axis Powers at a score of +1 to -1.

Now people may think that the beard is not the end-all of this list, but I beg to differ. People have considered many men in history to be great, and yet they had no facial hair. And one of the most evil men in history, Adolf Hitler, wore only a mustache. This forces me to put the mustache at the bottom of the list. Which leaves the beard to take the top, and if you really think about it, Jesus and Santa both have beards, and you can’t beat the Jesus/Santa combination.

So, that is that. This is the final word on the beard and its power.