Friday, Jan. 23, 2009
I-88, I-294, and US 31
Illinois/Indiana/Michigan
Nullset staff member Big Bearded Word Machine nearly perished a half a dozen times on the stretch of interstate expressway between Ludington, MI and Chicago, IL today.
The brushes-with-death, which would usually be attributed to lack of sleep (BBWM was adequately rested with eight hours REM before departure), over-consumption of caffeine (one mug coffee and three Cokes over the course of twelve hours? Pretty weak...), or inattention during high levels of traffic density (nope, nothing but prarie-dog-level head-swiveling and white-knuckled fear here), can instead be attributed to near-toxic levels of deliciousness in his bloodstream.
BBWM, after assisting a Ludington area youth ministry official in retrieving a new vehicle from the Chicago area, was rushed to Memorial Medical Center, where his blood was tested for possible mind-altering substances. The tox screen later showed a DL* (Delectron Level) of nearly 5,523 parts per million - a level of nearly sixteen times the FDA recommended daily intake of deliciousness.
(*The delectron, as most of our readers are well aware, was a unit developed by the famous second-century physician, Claudius Aelius Galenius, in an attempt to objectively quantify and measure the savor and pleasure-inducing factor of food. It takes its name from the Latin delectabilius, or "pleasureable." We reprint this information merely as a courtesy.)
Fearing the contact of so many delectrons with the open air (and possible infiltration of the MMC kitchen and cafeteria), BBWM was placed under quarantine and questioned as to what he had been doing on Thursday.
Seven vials of sodium pentathol later, he admitted to eating at both the Charcoal Delights Chicago franchise and a Culver's franchise in Holland, MI.
BBWM remains comatose in the maximum-security wing of MMC, occasionally regaining momentary conciousness to utter random nonsense such as "I forgot the cheese curds!" and "There just wasn't any more room..."
More on this story as it develops.
- Nullset News Wire Services
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Frightening Trend Continues to Grow
Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2009
LUDINGTON, MI
Yet another instance of, as the title indicates, a disturbing new trend has been driven home to me: my friends are all becoming huge fans of the card game Munchkin.
"But, Big Bearded Word Machine," you might say, if in fact anyone actually read this blog, "don't you think it's nice that your friends all have a common interest. A game, no less, that they can all gather together and enjoy?"
You'd think so. But you'd be, well, at least a little wrong. I do like having a game to play with my friends. This is true. As one of our previous articles indicates, the staff of the Nullset, myself especially, are huge nerds. We all engage in actual, real, table-top roleplaying. The kind that involves DM shields, polyhedral dice, character sheets, and a repressed acting ability that would get you thrown out of the lower class of dinner theater. If the clientele and staff and management were all deranged hoboes.
Munchkin is a satire of all that. As in, the gags and principles assume at least a passing familiarity with things like "+2 mastercrafted greatsword" and "saving throw". It then makes snarky in-jokes on these tropes, creating things like the "Duck of Many Things" and the "Sneaky Bastard Sword."
You'd think the only people who would laugh at this sort of stuff would wear black t-shirts covered in snarky messages or "Doctor Who" references, have enough grease in their hair to shift a sumo wrestler through a Barbie doll's front door, and smell like a boil in a wooly mammoth's armpit. Covered in old bacon grease.
But you'd be wrong. I have multiple friends who do not have anything to do with the "geeky arts" such as role-playing, who love Munchkin. Male and female. The females especially, tend toward being conventionally, objectively attractive, which begs the question of how on earth they ended up spending any time around the sort of people who seek out Munchkin because it parodies role-playing and they figure it'll be good for a laugh. Boredom, one supposes, or possibly the law of averages.
In fact, out of the people I have taught this game to, only about seven to nine of them would qualify as true, proper geeks (though, mercifully, they all wash regularly and do other things besides pretend to be elven wizards in other people's parents' basements.)
Which brings me to what's probably the most frightening thing I've noticed: the sheer horrifying speed at which this game's popularity has rapidly mushroomed beyond my own social circle, members of which have introduced the game to and taken over the brains of perfectly normal people whom I've never met. A close friend of mine (a huge geek) and his wife (not a geek at all) were introduced to this game by me. So was The Mad Piano Man. These three people all work at the same summer camp, and they report numbers upward of thirty new fans just in the course of one summer. New fans. Not people who played at home. Not geeks who just happened to miss out on Munchkin. Decent people, who presumably shop at mall-stores like Hollister, listen to Top 40 music (like I'd know what that entails) and don't choose their movies based on how many ninjas, zombies, pirates, Vikings, or giant robots are involved.
In addition, my own personal efforts have infected the brains of at least that same number of people. The true score is probably in the low forties. Why, just last night (he said, affecting the manner of a rural character in a 1940s film) I taught this game to four new people. They loved it.
I'm not disturbed that people can get past the typical prejudice against terms like "experience levels" or "dwarf warrior". It allows me to relate to more people on at least a surface level, and I need all the help I can get with that. It's the fact that Munchkin is a horrible game. It makes you:
- Suspect everyone around you,
- Refuse to help your friends in the face of certain death unless they pay you adequately,
- Strive to destroy them for petty infractions,
- Engage in epic-level grudge-holding,
and eventually your merry little band self-destructs in an orgy of mutually assured destruction as you all break out every scorched-earth tactic in the book in order to prevent your friends/new mortal enemies from winning. This last group of new players I taught was doing this halfway through their very first game. For fun.
As Mad Piano and I like to say, the motto of Munchkin is this: "There Can Be Only One, And It's Me!"
Help me. I am slowly destroying the moral fiber of everyone I know, and they are asking me to come back so they can do it again. Regularly.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Beards and Their Power – A Final Decision
Throughout the ages, the debate on beards has raged more fiercely than any other difference. Few people know that the Crusades actually started over an argument on the proper application and care of beards. But that is the past. I’m here to lay down the final judgment on beards, and what they truly mean.
We’ll start with a look at who has had beards in history. Some of the world’s greatest men have had beards. Beards were once looked upon as a symbol of power and authority. Let’s look into the Disney movie, Aladdin. What did the sultan have on his face, A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD! It showed that he was just that awesome. It may not be historical fact, but it gives an incredibly detailed and accurate representation of the times. And yes, there were genie’s in bottles. However they have all been set free and the ones that haven’t are buried under too much sand.
Now we’ll move forward in time. Let’s look to the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln, William T. Sherman, Ulysses S. Grant, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, T.J. “Stonewall” Jackson, the list goes on for this time frame. All of them had beards. Now you may question me, “But Pantomime King, if all of these great men had beards, why aren’t we in a stalemate with the Civil War to this day?” Well the answer is quite simple; Abraham Lincoln’s beard was larger and more impressive than Jefferson Davis’ beard. When it comes to beard on beard action, the better beard will always win.
We take another look forward into history. Now, some may think that this may throw a wrench in my argument, but there is no problem. In the hierarchy of facial hair, no hair will actually beat just a mustache, while the beard will reign over all of them. Now, back to my true point; the time is the late 1930’s into the early 1940’s. World War II is raging across Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. The world is holding its cumulative breath waiting to see who would come out victorious in this massive war. Yet, if people had simply looked to the leaders of each group, they would have been able to see who would have come out victorious. Remember, mustache is the bottom with the beard on the top. We’ll first look at the Axis Powers. The most famous leader of the Axis, Adolf Hitler and his famous mustache; there is no getting around that ‘stache. Ok so they’ve got one mark against them, but we’ll move on to Benito Mussolini. If you look at him, he didn’t have a mustache. Hmm, this could be interesting, the Axis is currently neutral. On to Japan, they had Hirohito leading them. With the leftover of Western influence, he bears a tiny mustache. Unfortunately for them, it gives the Axis Powers a -1 on their total score. Now, let’s look at the Allied Powers starting with Theodore Roosevelt. One of the men to lead the US through World War 2 doesn’t not have a beard or a mustache, so we leave the Allies with a +1. Now with a look at Joseph Stalin, unfortunately for the Allies this drops them back to an even score. Lastly we look at Winston Churchill and we see that he did not have any facial hair. This puts the Allied Powers with a final score of +1. Now in review for World War 2; we end with the Allied Powers the clear winner of the Axis Powers at a score of +1 to -1.
Now people may think that the beard is not the end-all of this list, but I beg to differ. People have considered many men in history to be great, and yet they had no facial hair. And one of the most evil men in history, Adolf Hitler, wore only a mustache. This forces me to put the mustache at the bottom of the list. Which leaves the beard to take the top, and if you really think about it, Jesus and Santa both have beards, and you can’t beat the Jesus/Santa combination.
So, that is that. This is the final word on the beard and its power.
We’ll start with a look at who has had beards in history. Some of the world’s greatest men have had beards. Beards were once looked upon as a symbol of power and authority. Let’s look into the Disney movie, Aladdin. What did the sultan have on his face, A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD! It showed that he was just that awesome. It may not be historical fact, but it gives an incredibly detailed and accurate representation of the times. And yes, there were genie’s in bottles. However they have all been set free and the ones that haven’t are buried under too much sand.
Now we’ll move forward in time. Let’s look to the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln, William T. Sherman, Ulysses S. Grant, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, T.J. “Stonewall” Jackson, the list goes on for this time frame. All of them had beards. Now you may question me, “But Pantomime King, if all of these great men had beards, why aren’t we in a stalemate with the Civil War to this day?” Well the answer is quite simple; Abraham Lincoln’s beard was larger and more impressive than Jefferson Davis’ beard. When it comes to beard on beard action, the better beard will always win.
We take another look forward into history. Now, some may think that this may throw a wrench in my argument, but there is no problem. In the hierarchy of facial hair, no hair will actually beat just a mustache, while the beard will reign over all of them. Now, back to my true point; the time is the late 1930’s into the early 1940’s. World War II is raging across Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. The world is holding its cumulative breath waiting to see who would come out victorious in this massive war. Yet, if people had simply looked to the leaders of each group, they would have been able to see who would have come out victorious. Remember, mustache is the bottom with the beard on the top. We’ll first look at the Axis Powers. The most famous leader of the Axis, Adolf Hitler and his famous mustache; there is no getting around that ‘stache. Ok so they’ve got one mark against them, but we’ll move on to Benito Mussolini. If you look at him, he didn’t have a mustache. Hmm, this could be interesting, the Axis is currently neutral. On to Japan, they had Hirohito leading them. With the leftover of Western influence, he bears a tiny mustache. Unfortunately for them, it gives the Axis Powers a -1 on their total score. Now, let’s look at the Allied Powers starting with Theodore Roosevelt. One of the men to lead the US through World War 2 doesn’t not have a beard or a mustache, so we leave the Allies with a +1. Now with a look at Joseph Stalin, unfortunately for the Allies this drops them back to an even score. Lastly we look at Winston Churchill and we see that he did not have any facial hair. This puts the Allied Powers with a final score of +1. Now in review for World War 2; we end with the Allied Powers the clear winner of the Axis Powers at a score of +1 to -1.
Now people may think that the beard is not the end-all of this list, but I beg to differ. People have considered many men in history to be great, and yet they had no facial hair. And one of the most evil men in history, Adolf Hitler, wore only a mustache. This forces me to put the mustache at the bottom of the list. Which leaves the beard to take the top, and if you really think about it, Jesus and Santa both have beards, and you can’t beat the Jesus/Santa combination.
So, that is that. This is the final word on the beard and its power.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
CO-INCIDENCE BETWEEN PLAYING KINGDOM OF LOATHING AND BEING A GIANT McDORKLE - A STUDY
Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009
LUDINGTON, MI
We, the writing staff of the Nullset, have noticed that we all play the cult hit browser-based MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game)
Name: Big Bearded Word Machine
KoL Character, Level, and Current Class: Urgh the Merciless III, Level 15 Seal Clubber
KoL Member since: December 2006, but my current account began November 22, 2008.
KoL Clan Membership: Old CW’s Germ-Free Clan
KoL Clan Karma Points: 50,880
KoL Trophies Acquired: 7
KoL Tattoos Acquired: 16
Number of KoL-related Websites You Routinely Use: 2
Number of KoL-ers You Convinced To Join Your Clan: 2
Number of People Convinced to Join KoL Because of You: 5
Other Special KoL-related Facts: On my 3rd membership due to forgetfulness. Still annoyed that my irreplaceable Crimborg armor is now totally beyond my reach.
Highest Educational Level Achieved: Master of Arts (Medieval Studies),
Current Employment: Substitute teacher, part-time bookkeeper, IT consultant
Geeky Interests: Fantasy/sci-fi literature, martial arts movies, table-top roleplaying, video games, anime, medieval/ancient history, tactics, weaponsmithing, mythology
Geeky Activities: Involving myself in same
Geeky Obsession None of Your Friends Share: My love for the Japanese animated franchise collectively called “Gundam”.
Other Special Geek-related Facts: I author a website wherein I routinely tell people things like this about myself.
Name: Pantomime King
KoL Character, Level, and Current Class: Fenrir8806, Level 29 Disco Bandit
KoL Member since: January 4th, 2007
KoL Clan Membership: Old CW’s Germ-Free Clan
KoL Clan Karma Points: 51,802
KoL Trophies Acquired: 24
KoL Tattoos Acquired: 42
Number of KoL-related Websites You Routinely Use: 3
Number of KoL-ers You Convinced To Join Your Clan: 2
Number of People Convinced to Join KoL Because of You: 4
Other Special KoL-related Facts: I am way too into the game, to the point of attempting to collect everything, even going as far as to donate actual real money to get the special items of the month. Also have used my donations to ensure that my friends do not have their accounts deleted.
Highest Educational Level Achieved: Currently pursuing two BS degrees (Michigan Tech)
Electrical Engineer
Computer Engineer
Current Employment: None
Geeky Interests: Fantasy/sci-fi literature, Star Trek, table-top roleplaying, video games, ping pong
Geeky Activities: Involving myself in above
Geeky Obsession None of Your Friends Share: The Metal Gear Series
Other Special Geek-related Facts: I am currently attending
Name: The Mad Piano Man
KoL Character, Level, and Current Class: Major General Music, Level 12 Sesame Soothsayer
KoL Member since: December 2006, current account since December 15, 2007.
KoL Clan Membership: Old CW’s Germ-Free Clan
KoL Clan Karma Points: 51,699
KoL Trophies Acquired: 10
KoL Tattoos Acquired: 22
Number of KoL-related Websites You Routinely Use: 2
Number of KoL-ers You Convinced To Join Your Clan: 1
Number of People Convinced to Join KoL Because of You: 1
Other Special KoL-related Facts: On my 2nd membership due to forgetfulness. Really wish I had that tiny plastic sword. So much for that cherry bomb.
Highest Educational Level Achieved: Bachelor of Music,
Current Employment: Substitute teacher, freelance musician, private music instructor in voice, piano, and music theory, and summer camp staff
Geeky Interests: Choral & vocal music performance, Western music history, theology, history in general, fantasy literature, martial arts films, casual fantasy roleplay
Geeky Activities: Being involved in the above. Trying to get back into music research.
Geeky Obsession None of Your Friends Share: Western music history. No one touches it except my musical colleagues.
Other Special Geek-related Facts: I’m a geek poser. In summer, you’d think I was a surf rocker.
So there you have it. You have been warned. Now run.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
NULLSET MK. II WRITER CHASTISED FOR BEING "NO FUN"
Sunday, Jan. 4, 2009
LUDINGTON, MI
- During an impromptu get-together held by several key Nullset personnel for the express purpose of assuaging Mike Malburg's extreme love for rhythm/music-based videogaming until such time as he can return home and begin playing it by himself, Nullset Staff Writer Jordan Racey was chastised by party attendee Jessica Hunter as "no fun" and "being a total lazy bum."
The accusation came at about 12:30 AM today, as Racey, who was tired enough to have actually developed temporary visual impairment due to a combination of caffeine, travel fatigue, sleep loss, physical exertion in the form of snowshoeing, and the guitar part to the Allman Brothers song "Ramblin' Man" on Hard-level difficulty, was met with incoherence and confusion. A short transcript follows:
Hunter: Come on! It's Settlers of Catan! Settlers of Catan! You can sleep later! Like in church! Or after! I came to play this game, not Guitar Hero!
Racey: Huh? I can't comment on that, President Nixon. If I don't do something soon, evil fireflies are going to steal all the steel-plated bananas in Fort Knox. I can't let that happen, sir. It's time for me to leave, and show those evil spuds what's what.
Hunter: Gah! You said there would be little brightly colored wooden pieces and economic domination. And, and crushing my enemies! And now you're wussing out?
Racey: My thinking bone tastes purple. *slumps to floor, mewing like a kitten*
Hunter *disgusted*: I'm going to remember this, Jordan. No one fails me more than once.
It is unknown as of press time whether or not Racey has gotten any sleep yet. More on this story as it develops.
- Nullset News Wire Services
LUDINGTON, MI
- During an impromptu get-together held by several key Nullset personnel for the express purpose of assuaging Mike Malburg's extreme love for rhythm/music-based videogaming until such time as he can return home and begin playing it by himself, Nullset Staff Writer Jordan Racey was chastised by party attendee Jessica Hunter as "no fun" and "being a total lazy bum."
The accusation came at about 12:30 AM today, as Racey, who was tired enough to have actually developed temporary visual impairment due to a combination of caffeine, travel fatigue, sleep loss, physical exertion in the form of snowshoeing, and the guitar part to the Allman Brothers song "Ramblin' Man" on Hard-level difficulty, was met with incoherence and confusion. A short transcript follows:
Hunter: Come on! It's Settlers of Catan! Settlers of Catan! You can sleep later! Like in church! Or after! I came to play this game, not Guitar Hero!
Racey: Huh? I can't comment on that, President Nixon. If I don't do something soon, evil fireflies are going to steal all the steel-plated bananas in Fort Knox. I can't let that happen, sir. It's time for me to leave, and show those evil spuds what's what.
Hunter: Gah! You said there would be little brightly colored wooden pieces and economic domination. And, and crushing my enemies! And now you're wussing out?
Racey: My thinking bone tastes purple. *slumps to floor, mewing like a kitten*
Hunter *disgusted*: I'm going to remember this, Jordan. No one fails me more than once.
It is unknown as of press time whether or not Racey has gotten any sleep yet. More on this story as it develops.
- Nullset News Wire Services
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